coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
