How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's always time for handjobs
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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