You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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