its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You don't make any sense
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