I want to stick my p in your. b.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
