All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
