So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No subtext here. People are naked.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize