making cat noises will not fix the situation.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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