Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
