Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
