someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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