I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
a search helicopter?!
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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