The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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