these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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