just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
