the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize