im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
