Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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