I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
