ugly people sure do ruin things
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
