why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
