her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
