I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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