My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
