Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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