i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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