My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
