I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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