I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
