I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
