I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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