wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Michael Bay diarrhea
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
