I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
