I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
So here I am, sexting at work.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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