Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Another day, another engagement, another cat
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
