My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
