He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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