i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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