I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
