Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
