I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
A+ Viking dick
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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