She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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