she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
