twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
