I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Did I show you my penis last night?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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