i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize