He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Randomize
