Whod you bang
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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