So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
