I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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