so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
