I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
