Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
did i walk over a car last night?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
