Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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