You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
