You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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