i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
