Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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